In Which Albus Is a Tosser and Scorpius Is a Twat
by Lil' Quill
Summary: A typical breakfast at the Slytherin table with Albus Potter and Scorpius Malfoy.


**A/N: Bonjour! Here's my second entry to the QLFC!**

**Round: 2**

**Team: Wigtown Wanderers**

**Position: Chaser 3**

**Prompt: Slytherin x Slytherin friendship**

**Optional prompts:**

**2\. (word) force**

**8\. (word) partner**

**15\. (word) holding**

**So, it's MUCH lighter than my previous one and a bit more like my usual style.**

**Enjoy!**

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"You know, mate, I know you fancy my cousin and all, but don't you think this is going a bit too far?"

At the sound of Albus's voice, Scorpius jumped a little in his seat, dropping the forkful of eggs and the utensil he had been holding it with onto his plate with a clatter, but he stayed calm. Maintaining composure in the face of such great embarrassment – including, but not limited to, getting caught while staring at and _admiring_ the looks and...ahem..._assets_ of his mutual nemesis from across the Great Hall – seemed to be a hereditary trait of the Malfoys.

"Fancy _Hugo?"_ Scorpius protested weakly in an attempt to preserve his dignity. "Mate, I'm pretty sure I'm straight."

Scoffing at his dorm mate and partner in crime during all his six years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Albus responded, "I'm talking about the lovely Rose Weasley, who happens to look rather cozy with Wood as of now. Besides, speaking from a bisexual point of view and pretending as if he wasn't related to me, Hugo isn't that bad."

His mouth full of eggs, Scorpius just barely managed to mumble out a muffled "Prick."

"See, this is why I keep my option of girls open. They're more attractive in just about every single way, not to mention that they have _manners,"_ Albus wrinkled his nose pointedly at Scorpius, who had just sprayed little bits of egg on Albus.

Albus's bisexuality had come as a shock to just about everyone in the wizarding world. Some had started hating him for it, fewer had really, truly accepted him for it, and still others – the majority, really – relished in the juicy gossip about the son of the great Harry Potter, the man who had destroyed one of the darkest wizards in existence at age seventeen.

"But still, I digress. You fancy Rose. Damn, I can't believe that you spent five entire years thinking she was your enemy or something! And don't even try to hide it," Albus gave his most Slytherin smirk as his closest friend opened his mouth indignantly.

"You damn serpent," Scorpius muttered, throwing his head dramatically onto the table. "How the hell did I get stuck living with you?"

"Hey now," Albus replied mildly. _"You're_ the one who convinced me that being in Slytherin wasn't half bad, so you can't really go around insulting me for my House – which you also happen to be a member of – can you?"

_It was Albus's first ride on the Hogwarts Express, and he was absolutely terrified that he would be sorted into Slytherin. He'd heard all about these nasty serpents: Bellatrix Lestrange and her horrific Cruciatus Curses and the carving of the word "Mudblood" into Aunt Hermione's arm, Fenrir Greyback and the scar he'd left on Uncle Bill's face, and, of course, Lord Voldemort, who had terrorized the entire Wizarding world._

_So, naturally, Slytherin wasn't exactly the House that Albus Severus Potter wanted to be Sorted into._

_"Oi! Watch where you're going!"_

_Albus, so wrapped up in his fears, hadn't really noticed that he had just walked straight into another boy. With his pale blond hair, his silvery grey eyes, and his pale skin, that boy could only be a Malfoy._

_Albus instinctively grew wary; his father had been an enemy of Draco Malfoy's, and the Weasley clan, including his mother, had had a feud with the Malfoys for generations. This boy – his name was Scorpius, Albus recalled – was probably no different from the rest of his family._

_But the boy did the exact opposite of what Albus had expected: he smiled. "Hello, I'm Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy. My dad was your dad's nemesis, and your mother and her family have hated my father, grandfather, and ancestors for ages. Do you want to be my friend?"_

_Albus had no idea whether Scorpius was being sarcastic or not. Apprehensive, he responded, "Hi, I'm Albus Severus Potter. My father killed the evil wizard who your grandfather was a follower of, and Dad was also the main reason why your father was turned into a bouncy ferret. Of course I'll be your friend!"_

_Scorpius laughed. "I've been waiting to try that out ever since I heard how my father introduced himself to yours."_

_Albus cracked a smile. It grew and grew, until he was laughing just as loudly as Scorpius. The two of them were soon doubling over, completely out of breath, smiles lingering on their faces._

_"Let's go find a compartment, yeah?" Scorpius suggested. Albus nodded in agreement._

_Once they found the object of their quest, they settled in and immediately hit up a conversation._

_"So, what House d'you think you'll be Sorted into? I'm thinking Slytherin," Scorpius mused._

_Albus blanched at the reminder of the H__ouse he was so frightened of. "I'm hoping for anything but."_

_Scorpius looked at him with mild surprise. "Why not? I mean, suave, sly, and sexy...it's an unstoppable combination. And it's a pretty good description of me, of course._

_Albus choked on his spit. "You, suave and sly and sexy?"_

_Scorpius looked at him with a joking sneer. "You wouldn't recognize suave, sly, and sexy if it pranced in front of you with a Peruvian Vipertooth on a sparkly solid gold leash."_

_"No, but really," Albus responded. "I mean, Voldemort was a Slytherin."_

_Scorpius sighed with a false, exaggerated sense of nostalgia. "Ah, the good old House prejudice. Well, there's nothing wrong with ambitious, cunning people who know both what they want and how to get it. Because that's all Slytherin is, really. Besides, you can't judge hundreds by the actions of one. Merlin was a Slytherin and we all love him. And I want to be a Slytherin to show that you can be in that House without being some kind of evil, bigoted arse."_

_"That's true," Albus responded slowly. "But–"_

_Albus was cut off by a squeaking of wheels, a deliciously sugary smell, and a towering mountain of sweets. "Anything from the trolley, dears?" asked a stout, grandmotherly woman._

_"Bertie Bott's, please," said Albus and Scorpius simultaneously. Their heads snapped to face each other, and they grinned widely._

_Needless to say, after their purchase, their money bags were quite a bit lighter and the trolley significantly lacking in Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans._

_The two bonded gleefully over all sorts of ridiculous flavors, becoming fast friends._

_And when they were both Sorted into Slytherin House, they were absolutely delighted._

Scorpius groaned once more. "You arse."

"Not so suave, sly, and sexy anymore, eh?"

"Albus?"

"Yes?" the aforementioned boy asked sweetly.

"Shut up. I am trying to–"

"Ogle at my lovely cousin?" Albus interjected innocently.

"You absolute _tosser,"_ Scorpius muttered.

"I am _not_ a tosser. I just take pleasure in irritating you."

Scorpius's finger poked Albus's nose. "We need to get you a girlfriend. Then some poor girl will get stuck with you and I can enjoy a _peaceful_ breakfast."

"Actually, I've had my eye on a few blokes as of late," Albus mused. "What're your opinions on Thomas Zeller?"

"Um...I dunno?" Scorpius replied, utterly confused. He didn't even know who this Zeller bloke was, let alone have any opinions on him.

"Nope, too obsessed with Gobstones. He's always covered in that awful smelly liquid those marbles squirt at you."

Scorpius threw his hands up in the air. "Mate, I have absolutely no damn clue about winning over a bloke! Now, if it's a bird you desire..." he trailed off, with his signature heart-stopping smirk.

"Why not?" Albus returned the smirk. "I love being bi!"

_It was Albus's fifth train ride to Hogwarts, and he had officially declared that he was bisexual. As of that summer, he was perfectly open to flirting with both birds _and_ blokes, and he refused to be judged for it. Based on that notion, he entered the train with his head held high._

_His entire family had accepted his sexuality, so why shouldn't his fellow Hogwarts students? And the Daily Prophet had already had its little fun with the gossip, so surely _that_ phase of initial shock was over._

_Right?_

_Wrong._

_As Albus strolled confidently down the passage in the train to find his usual compartment with Scorpius, he noticed the stares and the whispers that broke out around him._

_"I heard that he has a French boyfriend _and_ a Spanish girlfriend. He's dating them both right now!"_

_"Imagine, Harry Potter's own son is _queer!_ What a scandal!"_

_"Ugh, now nobody'll ever date him. I mean, everyone knows that bisexuals are promiscuous! Pity, too. He's so cute! What a waste of good looks."_

_As Albus proceeded, he struggled to keep his shoulders back, to hold his suddenly heavy head up, to keep his feet from dragging._

_He was losing his confidence._

_Hogwarts didn't accept him._

_Just when Albus couldn't take it anymore, he reached the compartment he and Scorpius shared._

_Scorpius would help him. Albus just knew it._

_And help Scorpius did. Upon seeing his morose friend, Scorpius grinned widely. "Mate, this is _brilliant!_ Now you can teach me how to be attractive to both birds and blokes! I'll be a universal sex god!"_

_At Scorpius's words, Albus couldn't help but crack a smile. His best mate was, well, the best._

"Yeah, about that, you still haven't taught me how to be universally attractive. Actually, you know what, I think I've already accomplished that. Never mind," Scorpius replied.

Albus arched one eyebrow smugly. "Are you sure? Because I know one girl doesn't seem to like you very much..."

Scorpius sighed heavily. "And who is this girl?" he asked, dreading the answer.

"Well, her name starts with the letter 'r' and rhymes with 'hose'..." Albus waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Well, I don't really care about her. Why in the name of Merlin's smelliest pants would I ever fancy _Weasley?"_

"Oh, denial," Albus tutted with disapproval. "How it clouds the beautiful blossom of love. Well, drunkenness tends to temporarily blow away that cloud, doesn't it?"

"What are you talking about, Albus?" Scorpius narrowed his eyes. "I'm tired and don't have the energy to deal with this right now."

"Well, quite a bit happened at that party on Saturday..."

_It was three in the morning, and Scorpius Malfoy was completely, utterly, and wholly _sloshed.

_The party in the Slytherin common room didn't seem as if it would stop anytime soon, with its flashing lights, loud thumps of bass, and swaying mass of people._

_He and Albus had planned the great big bash, and the attendance had been overwhelming. Not only had all the Slytherins in fifth year and above joined in, but so had select members from other houses._

_Including Rose Weasley._

_For someone he hated so much, that girl looked absolutely _stunning_ that night, Scorpius thought._

_But then again, he had been flirting with an empty bottle of Firewhiskey until he had somewhat recovered from his alcohol-addled state._

_Rose Weasley at a party...that was certainly something._

_And Scorpius didn't want to miss out on that particular something._

_And so, with that thought in mind, Scorpius Malfoy swaggered over to the equally sloshed Rose Weasley, intent on chatting her up and coaxing a snog or two out of the particularly radiant girl._

_Never _mind_ that he hated her, never _mind_ that she absolutely loathed him. She was going to be all over him in a matter of minutes._

_He just knew it._

_Meanwhile, a considerably less drunk Albus Potter watched the pair kissing passionately. He allowed himself to smirk evilly for a bit; this was perfect blackmail._

_And it was absolutely hilarious._

_Albus sat back and enjoyed the show of two supposed enemies clinging to each other in a lustful embrace. It wasn't common to see either of them drunk at all, never mind engaging in activities fueled by alcohol._

_Oh, he wouldn't ever let either of them live it down._

_He was, after all, a Slytherin._

"What happened?" Scorpius snapped.

"Well, mate..." Albus trailed off, smirking at Scorpius's attempts at trying to draw an answer out of him.

"Al, just spit it out."

"Alright, alright. You and Rose Weasley..."

"What did we do?" Scorpius demanded impatiently.

"You two snogged."

It was as if some sort of strange force had jerked Scorpius's head up, yanked his jaw down, and pulled his eyelids far apart.

"We did what?" he squeaked.

Albus gave his Slytherin smirk once more. "You, Scorpius Malfoy, my best mate, and Rose, my dear cousin, had a passionate snog at a party with too much Firewhiskey."

For some strange reason that he could not comprehend, Scorpius smiled. It was a strange smile, dreamy and elated.

He had snogged his crush of approximately two days.

And, by the sound of it, she had snogged him back.

He didn't _care_ that it was just a one-time thing at some drunken party. It was a snog with Rose Weasley nonetheless.

Still beaming, Scorpius sang a, "Thanks mate!" and bounded over to the Gryffindor table.

Well, specifically, he bounded over to Rose Weasley.

Back at the Slytherin table, Albus just sighed. "Mate, she's going to kick your arse."

And kick Scorpius's arse Rose did. Fuming, her wand out and sparking at the tip, she screamed curses – both magical and otherwise – at the "suave, sly, and sexy" Slytherin.

Albus grimaced at the public humiliation that Scorpius was suffering. His duty – that of the best mate of a twat – called. He made his way over to the chaos to calm down his crazy cousin and save his best mate's arse.

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**So, did you enjoy it? I certainly had fun writing it!**

**I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments on this story, especially if it's constructive criticism, this being a contest for me to improve my writing and all. So please drop me a review!**

**Ink on!**

**Lil' Quill**


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